I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
