gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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