Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
