Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins