Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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