In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
