every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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