I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I forgot how hot balto sounded
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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