he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
