oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
