On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
