if i can run in heels then i can drive
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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