evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
