My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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