do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
