god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
