I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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