my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
