You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
