I will die if light touches me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
