is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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