My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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