My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
