We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
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Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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