I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
