Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
