new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I look better un-naked...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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