Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
