bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
