But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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