I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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