Cold hands, warm shart.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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