So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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