If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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