i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
