There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
