there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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