it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
