so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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