I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
