he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
