I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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