well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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