Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Randomize
