just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
