If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
