I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
