you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
