my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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