guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
