Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
