2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
