dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
