There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
