I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
