2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
