Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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