I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
