I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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