She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
