Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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