What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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