OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
